Yale Welcomes Snowflakes Back on Campus With Gender Neutral Replacements for “Freshmen” and “Upperclassmen”


Now, you are probably aware that there are real problems in the world. Poverty, natural disasters, militant Islamists, the persecuted church, sex trafficking. You know, issues that are causing pain, suffering, and death across the world and desperately need to be addressed or helped.

Of course, when it comes to our nation’s finest higher-learning institutions, they view the world a little differently. For the highly-accomplished and privileged students who are admitted into the prestigious Yale University, the faculty there feels it is of the utmost importance to protect them from…triggering!!!!

Now, these students are the future of our great nation, so of course, we would want to protect them from as much meltage as possible.

So, starting this year, Fox News is reporting, official documents will be careful to refer to new students as “first-year students”, rather than the terribly offensive, bigoted, and gender-exclusive “freshmen”. Disaster averted. 

Can you imagine if an innocent student arrived on campus in September, bright-eyed and eager to begin the school year, only to find that she (…xe?) was referred to with such a vile term?

Of course, first-year students aren’t the only snowflakes that need protecting. Brave returning students, who had already endured a whole year of a being referred to as “freshmen”, have remained dedicated enough to their education that they resolved to face another year of the cruelly politically incorrect term “upperclassmen.”

But no more! Yale faculty had their best interest in mind too. “Upperclassmen” would now be referred to as “Upper-level students.” At last! Harmony in the world.

First-year students and upperclassmen…oh, goodness, excuse me, upper-level students alike will no longer be subject to the shackles of oppression. No longer will these violent, cruel words plague our nation’s higher learning institutions, especially as Cornell University, Columbia University, and Dartmouth College plan to follow suit!

As people starve, militants slaughter non-believers, churches are bulldozed, and the world sees the largest slave trade in human history, we can at least rest peacefully knowing that the next generation will never have to learn to thicken their skin and get over something that offends them.

Political correctness to the rescue!! 

Twitter users displayed enthusiastic display for this heroic move: